Sense of Then

Prior to my mental health crisis, I was using alcohol to cope, numb, and whatever else it does. I didn’t know at the time that I was using it to cope and numb — I just knew I felt less burdened by my thoughts, memories, and feelings when I was drinking. I fit in more when I was drinking. In my old life, everyone drank, mostly wine, all the time. It wasn’t an anomaly. It was actually expected to partake at social events, and if you weren’t drinking, you were made fun of, but if you drank too much, you were the only one with a problem, not any of the other people who drank even more. By December 2023, I was having one to two bottles of wine a night.

One of the first things I did on my healing journey was focus on not drinking. I stopped right away and tried a plethora of non-alcoholic alternatives — Googled, ordered from Amazon. I have yet to find one that tastes and reacts the same way. My system doesn’t tolerate THC, so those alternatives are out too. I’ve tried CBD, CBG, kava kava, and other tonics, determined by research or suggestions from people I know. In the last year, I’ve been able to identify how I feel on a given day, and I’ve been able to stick pretty well to not having alcohol if I’m feeling anything beyond a pleasant mood. Alcohol definitely exacerbates ugly feelings and behaviors.

It was after the radiation, and before my post-cancer drugs were started, that my oncologist mentioned alcohol is considered a carcinogen now. Technically, women are limited to two correctly measured servings of alcohol a week, and men, three. I remember being confused by people who had lung cancer but still smoked. But now that I’ve experienced alcohol dependence and breast cancer, I understand addiction, urges, and celebrating the little things. I no longer drink to excess and am trying to get to two glasses of wine per week, but sometimes I have three per week, and sometimes I have wine twice a week. It’s not abstinence, but it is a significant improvement.